Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
