I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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