I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
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he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
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In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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