a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
