you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
