Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
