Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my being single is dangerous.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
