I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
