I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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