from now on my penis is your penis
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
