Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
