I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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