I'm jealous of your bromance
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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