just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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