we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
