wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize