so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
