it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
