His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
