At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
