You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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