Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
