I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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