I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
