The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just found puke in my bra..
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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