Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
