Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
