Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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