So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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