Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
