Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
