I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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