I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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