My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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