I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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