idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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