My first STD was from a foam party
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls