We won't sleep together?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders