Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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