Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
PANTIES FOUND
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