Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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