Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
