dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just gift wrapped bread.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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