You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
