Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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