you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
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No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize