I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
