My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
