You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
