my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
