what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
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I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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