I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
