I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
