Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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