turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
