just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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